Critique of ‘Fields of Heather, Fists of Brass’

Read the unedited no critiques included of
Fields of Heather, Fists of Brass.
(He has other neat stuff, so don’t forget to look around!)
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This title is unique, but doesn’t give an indicator to what the books about.

I feel foolish to admit, that I had no idea what Heather is. I thought you were talking about a person, but when I saw that it grew I googled it. Sad I know.
To help readers like me, here’s an edit idea:
“In recent history, it was considered haunted. The purple flowers reaching out to steal away anyone foolish enough to venture through them. Before that, it was condemned. (Why would they condemned a field?)  Before that, it was forbidden, and before that, it was a matter of personal safety.”

Dropping some of the information in this paragraph will help readers get what you’re saying. You can explain the details later and also reveal the cloak as well (If it remains important to the story.). It’ll be something for your character to discover.
“Nobody remembers that it is the spot where the highborn Lord Spagor fought the landless Eddie Under to a standstill.  The oak tree, that interrupts the heather, has its roots wrapped around what was once Under’s great steam machine. But it means nothing in this new age of grain and toil.”

“The great wars have disappeared with the great machines that drove them. The men who fought died, and so did the men who arranged for their deaths.  The destruction was so widespread and its effects ran so deep that the very soul of humanity was rewired into something much meeker.”

“A breeze ripples through the purple and green.  It doesn’t touch the severed hand or its prize, buried so deep in the earth.  It will take time and a storm to free them from their tomb.  So for now, they wait to be remembered.  To be rediscovered.” (Are you talking about the children that have passed or your war machines? I could give better direction if I knew. Leave a comment and I’ll try and help out)

“And if God is kind, these new kings will tease only miracles from the sins of the past.” (This also doesn’t make sense ‘tease only miracles’? Perhaps “And if God is kind, these new kings will cleanse us from the sins of the past.?)

Overall I really like the idea of it. The feel and writing is captivating for a first chapter. I can see this going into an adventure tale of the new king or perhaps the rising of a villain- “However, God is not always kind.”
Super interested to know what happens next.
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Let me know in the comments wheat you think of my critique.
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2 Comments Add yours

  1. William Spear says:

    Thanks for reading and critiquing! It’s a standalone story (more of a vignette, actually) so it’s not intended to go anywhere – although it could be a seed for something in the future.

    My language is definitely inconsistent throughout, and even touches on the antiquated at times – I think that’s why it isn’t clear. I’ll probably keep this piece as is (it was more of an exercise than anything serious) – but I’ll keep your comments in mind when I work on future pieces with a similar tone.

    Thanks!

    Like

    1. jotabouts says:

      Not a problem! hopefully it helps and, if you have pieces you’d like looked over in the future, just let me know.

      Like

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